Humorous

Follow your passion, stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. Then by all means, you should follow that.

You should also know there are a lot of really mean, stupid bosses out there. But there are also some really good ones that do good things.

The main difference for you, between life yesterday and life tomorrow, is you can go to the bathroom whenever you want. It's a pretty big responsibility, but you've earned it.

Don't forget to follow your dreams — unless your dreams are stupid — like eating all the cake in Arlington.

Things can kill you. So just keep that in mind, you fearless know-it-alls.

No question is too stupid. You're not as smart as you think you are. You never will be. There's always room to learn. Don't be scared to ask.

College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don't worry about your grade, or your job, or your career. Here is the best piece of advice I can give you: Every day, once a day, give yourself a present.

The best commencement speech I can give you is: We broke it. But here's the good news — you fix it, and it's going to be a heck of a lot of fun.

My life needed a challenge, so in 1973, at age 50, I determined to get a Ph.D. They don't call them doctors for nothing. Getting a Ph.D. is painful.

Nobody else is paying as much attention to your failures as you are. You're the only ones who are obsessed with the importance of your own life. To everyone else, it's just a blip on the radar screen.

The positions I am about to describe are not only exalted and high paying; they also require little or no work, experience, training or knowledge. Thus they are exceptionally well suited to graduating seniors.

Why write your own material when others have done it for you? Don't worry about being caught. If you have to apologize, just say, 'An error was made.' Nobody cares.